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The Coast Times ‘Joke Hut’

(fresh laughs daily)

 

 

 

 

 

 

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

 

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

 

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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

 

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Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

 

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

 

 

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Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

 

 

 

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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

 

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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

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Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

 

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

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If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

 

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If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

 

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Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

 

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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

 

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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

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Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

 

Coast Times News, Central Coast, NSW

 

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. Ben Bergor

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I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way! Carl Sandburg

 

What If There Were No Women On The Roads?


I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And then try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

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If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. 

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Have you ever noticed how the people who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry

 

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I’m always losing things at work … my glasses … my keys … my will to live …

 

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Give a man a surfboard, and you’ve distracted him for a day. Teach a man to surf, and you’ll never get him back to work again.  Anon

 

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CENTRAL COAST SAILBIKING

 

A young child says to his mother, “Mum, when I grow up I’d like to be a Rock Star.”   

The mother replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”    

Anon

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Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough. Anon

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The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Mark Russell

 

 

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 Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you? Anonymous

 

 

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Anonymous

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 Just For Laughs

  1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

  4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

  7. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

  8. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

  10. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

  11. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  12. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

  13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….

  14. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

  15. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  16. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

  17. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

  18. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

  19. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  20. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

  21. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

  22. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  24. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  25. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  26. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  28. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

  29. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  30. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

  31. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

  32. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

  33. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

  34. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  35. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  36. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

  37. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

  38. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

  39. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

  40. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

  41. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  42. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

  43. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

  44. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

  45. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

  46. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  47. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  48. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

  49. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

  50. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

  51. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

  52. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

  53. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

  54. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

  55. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

  56. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

  57. Take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

  58. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

  59. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

  60. When in doubt, mumble.

  61. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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